The Wild Akatsuki House!
by Tally Mai-chan
Summary: The Akatsuki lost their old lair and have moved into suburbia. The house? Practically destroyed and home to a demonic squirrel! If the squirrel didn't get you then the neighbors will. Crack fic, some swearing. Its Akatsuki vs Suburbia life!
1. HEO SUG

Akatsuki House

* * *

Things weren't going so well for the Akatsuki. Apparently a certain money hording miser didn't pay the house bills and the bank evicted the house. But fortunately for them there was a relief plan for the evil organization called HEO SUG (Help Evil Organizations Start Up Again). They were given a new house in the suburbs of Ame and from what they were told was a pretty nice house.

It had a low down payment and didn't need to by payed for. All they had to pay for was the water and heating. Electricity bills will be payed for by the bank. The house had two floors, five rooms on the second and a living, kitchen and dinning room on the first. There was two bathrooms and a front and back yard.

Leader instantly took up the house and in no time at all they packed up and moved. Their bus dumped them on their street corner and raced off.

"This is the street." Pein pulled out a paper with the houses address.

"Are we in the ghetto?" Kisame curiously asked, looking around at all the run down hoses and poorly taken care of streets.

"Welcome to suburbia," Pein smiled, grimacing. Now he knew why the house was so cheap.

"Lets just get this fucking over." Hidan whined. He was jittery from lack of sacrificing.

So the Akatsuki walked down the street, a few women peeking out from their windows to catch a glimpse of their new neighbors. When they finally reached their new house, well, it wasn't pleasant.

The house was missing a part of its roof on the right hand side, the front door was stained with what looked like blood and the two front windows were knocked out. The front yard was a total mess, weeds grew rampant and the fence was faded and broken in many places.

"Well." Pein grunted, "Lets get inside."

The inside wasn't much better.

The living room reeked of detergent and there was burn marks around all the electrical outlets. The dirty brown couch squeaked when you sat down on it and the other couch had mold clinging to the stuffing oozing out from its many holes. The floor was covered with grime and dust and the stairway up to the second floor looked like it could break any moment.

The tacky orange print wallpaper was peeling off the wall and spider webs coated the door way.

"Ahem..." Pein cleared his throat, getting everyones attention. "There are five rooms, teams share rooms except for Konan who gets her own room. Zetsu, you'll sleep out side."

"There is no way in hell I'm sharing a room with that heathen money whore!" Hidan shouted, clutching his rosary in his hand.

"I'm not pleased about this either." Kakuzu growled.

Sasori and Deidara stared at each other curiously. Itachi 'H'n'ed and Konan smiled to herself.

"Well," Pein coughed. "Get going! I wanna start fixing up this house immediately!"

The teams trudged up stairs, Deidara falling through halfway up. They hopped over the hole and kept going.

"Dibs on the room closest to the bathroom!" Hidan shouted, quickly locating the first of two bathrooms.

"Un'huh!" Deidara shouted, jumping out of his hole. He lept past Hidan and slid into the desired room. "I got here first, yeah!" Deidara jumped up and did a quick victory dance before claiming one of the beds in the room.

"Fuck, Hidan swore." Hurrying to get the room close to the second bathroom. He was denied again when Konan beat him there, having turned herself into paper cranes and flying. "Dammit!"

Itachi and Kisame claimed the next best room and Hidan and Kakuzu were left with the room that was under the missing roof section.

"You get the bed under hole." Kakuzu shoved Hidan aside, angry that his partner couldn't do something so simple as getting a room.

"Fuck you!" Hidan swore, sticking his middle finger into the virgin air.

The house was oddly quiet until a high pitched scream emitted from Konan's room. Everyone rushed outside to see Konan running from her room.

"There's a rabid squirrel in my room!" She cried, dodging behind Pein who came out of his own room.

"A squirrel?" He questioned. "You are a S-rank criminal. Surely you can deal with a simple-"

"Pein." Konan grabbed Pein by the collar, jerking him down. "That squirrel is a demon from hell."

So the epic battle began. They didn't know then but they soon will.

Sasori and Kakuzu were charged with the task of taking on the squirrel. Why? Because Sasori was a puppet and therefor made of wood and Kakuzu who could turn his skin hard as steel. No one wanted to risk getting rabies.

So they watched as Sasori and Kakuzu walked down the hall. Sasori went first while Kakuzu watched from the doorway. There was an eerie silence as they stood, held breath.

"This thing?" Sasori yelled from the room. "It's just a normal...! What the!"

The sounds of a struggle ensued and Kakuzu looked like he was about to have a heart attack.

"Help! Some one help me! This thing is evil! I need back up!" Sasori yelled, grunting as he fought the squirrel.

Kakuzu broke from his stupor and charged into the room. The fight grew and Kakuzu was thrown from the room, blood oozing from a fresh wound on his head. He moaned softly and all hell broke lose.

Sasori screamed and ran from the room, his arms chewed off and a part of his chest missing. He stumbled to the floor and curled up into a ball, crying lube from his eyes.

For once the Akatsuki was afraid, afraid for their lives.

"Hey... H-Hidan!" Deidara pushed Hidan towards the room. "Your familiar with demons and such, you fight it!"

"What? Why me? Why don't you do it yourself ass wipe!" Hidan wasn't left with much of a choice as Pein ordered him to go take out that squirrel.

Hidan inched forward, mumbling prays and holing his scythe out in front of him. He stepped into the room and....

"OH JASHIN!!!" HE screamed bloody murder and the sound of ones heart being ripped from their body and mauled on. Blood spurted from the doorway, hitting the still knocked out Kakuzu.

"This thing is not normal." Pein gaped. A squirrel, a stupid simple squirrel took out three of the infamous Akatsuki! "Thats it, I'm taking this thing out." Pein strutted forward and jumped into the room, spewing jutsus from the butt he fought the demon squirrel.

The sound of metal on metal followed by the sounds a strangled scream of mercy. Then utter silence.

"Oh my gosh." Konan breathed, stuck speechless, so were the other Akatsuki.

"I have a plan." Itachi spoke suddenly. The remaining Akatsuki could only nod and hear out the Uchiha's plan.

Terry, the demon squirrel that hand taken up abode in Konan's room was chuckling evilly to himself. His evil plan to rule the world one house at a time was going perfectly. He was just about to start feasting on Peins body when freak meat walked in.

A blue man with gills on his face holding up an cardboard box. Terry laughed at the foolish attempt to stop him, it would take more than that to stop him. The man threw the box over Terry but the squirrel jumped over it, aiming for the fish mans face.

Suddenly the man was stoved aside and another man jumped into his place and spit fire from his mouth.

_'Damn' _Terry thought. _' An Uchia! My mortal enemy!!'_ Terry's eyes glowed red and Itachi's sharringan was rendered useless.

The fact alone that Itachi's sharinggan was useless against a squirrel made him faint on the spot. Terry was sorely disappointed. They just don't make Uchiha's like they used to.

Terry turned around to get back to feasting on Pein when something unexpected happened.

Sitting on the window still was a white beauty the world has never seen before. Her graceful body, whiter than snow and smoother than silk. Her black eyes that looked like pools of jet black ink. It was love at first sight. Yes even demon squirrels fall in love.

Deidara who was watching the whole thing from outside the window was stuck speechless. The original plan was to distract the squirrel long enough for him to get an explosive into the room and destroy the menace once and for all.

But the demon squirrels love for his creation drove Deidara to tears.

"Go," He told his creation. "You have my blessing."

The two squirrels nuzzled noses and jumped out of the room and into the sunset. Deidara sniffed and jumped back into the room.

"What just happened?" Kisame asked, stunned at the whole thing.

"Love, Kisame, Love." Deidara patted that shark man on the back before heading back to his own room. Kisame shook off the mushy loving feeling and nursed the injured Akatsuki back to health.

Everyone, when fully healed agreed to never talk of this again and headed back to their rooms.

Little did they know that soon they would face worse, much worse.

* * *

Me: Well... here it is!!! Another crack fic story that I'm writing when I have so many other unfinished stories! Oh well!

Tell me what you think!

Review! Review or no new chapter!!


	2. Meet the neighbors!

Me: Hey, chapter two yays! Not much to say here so I'll just get on with the story.

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Akatsuki. I own half of the neighbors. The backdoor neighbor belongs to himself (Thanks for letting me put you in my story Devon! I made you a girl just like you wanted!) and the other next door neighbor belongs to my friend. (Thanks to you too Hikari! :D)**

Chapter 2: Meet the neighbors!

* * *

After the demon squirrel Terry left to elope with Loreli (Deidara's clay squirrel) the house was in a semi normal state.

Everyone was busy making the house a bit more livable. Kakuzu and Hidan were arguing over buying a tarp to put on the roof over the hole in their room. Itachi was siting quietly on his bed watching Kisame tidy up the room. Deidara was making spare parts for Sasori from his clay and Sasori was curled up in the corner.

Then the doorbell rang, a loud clanging sound like someone taking pots and pans and smashing them as hard as possible against each other.

"What the hell!" Hidan swore, barging out from his room. "What is that jashin awful sound!!"

"The door bell." Pein nearly cried. "Just answer the door, somebody."

"I'm not doing it, un." Deidara turned back into his room. "This neighborhood could be filled with queers for all I know." Deidara didn't know how far from the truth he was.

"I'll get it." Kisame walked down stairs, nearly falling through the hole Deidara made. The door rang again and Kisame clutched his ears in pain. "STOP RINGING THE DOOR BELL!" He yelled.

Kisame stomped to the door and threw it open. "What the hell do you want."

"Hi!" Possibly the most beautiful girl in the world smiled. "I'm Clare and I live right next door. I brought cookies!"

Clare, was undergarment model that lived with her nerdy sister. She had gorgeous brown hair and a laugh like ringing crystal. Kisame was glad he opened the door now. She had come over to bring them a house warming gift and Kisame eagerly ate up the warm, melt in your mouth cookies.

"So, you're here with your evil organization?" Clare politely pried.

"Yep." Kisame agreed, staring at Clare's rather large bust.

"That sounds fascinating. What's like, being all evil and stuff."

"Yeah." Kisame could see her cleavage through her white dress.

"Hmm, I wound imagine that it is a dangerous profession."

"Uh-huh."

"Sounds so thrilling! All I do is stand half naked in front of camera's all the time."

Kisame started to get a nose bleed. Hidan walked down stairs, bloody from his fight with Kakuzu.

"Hey fish-face! Who was at the door?" His brain momentarily stopped functioning when he saw Clare and in his stupor he fell down Deidara's hole in the stairs. "Oh my jashin!" He jumped out, staring at Clare.

"Hello!" Clare smiled brightly, light emitting from her cheerfulness. "You must be one of Kisame-kuns roommates! I'm Clare, I live next door."

"Well hello there!" Hidan smiled, his perverseness going to his brain. "The names Hidan, did fish face over there bore you? Don't worry, I'll keep you plenty... entertained."

"Fuck off Hidan!" Kisame growled.

"Get lost fugly." Hidan resorted. Soon the two men were wrestling on the floor. Clare looked slightly distraught and ran to the kitchen. She grabbed a bucket and filled it with water, or what she hoped was water. What came out of the pipes was a filthy brown and had clumps of who-knows-what. She ran back to the living room and dumped the putrid substance on the fighting boys.

"Oh my." She gasped. The two Akatsuki stopped fighting and Hidan morned for his ruined hair. "Please don't fight."

"What is this stuff!?!?" Kisame sniffed the brown pipe puke.

"Um..."Clare laughed nervously. "Water... from the sink..."

"Great." Kisame stood up, feeling sick. "Just another thing wrong with this house." Kisame excused himself and went up stairs to take a shower.

"I need to get this stuff out of my hair!" Hidan raced after Kisame, heading to the second bathroom. So Clare was left on her own when the cursed doorbell struck again.

"SOMEBODY GET THE DOOR!!!" An enraged voice yelled from upstairs. "DEIDARA! GET IT!"

There was some shouting and Deidara walked downstairs, taking care not to fall through again, he opened the door and wham! The door burst open, hitting him on the nose.

"Clare!? Clare?! Are you here!" A teenage girl with large glasses and flat purple hair with bangs that covered her eyes charged in. It was now that Deidara took notice of the pretty girl siting in their living room.

"Hello Elise," Clare smiled that blinding smile again.

"Where have you been? Whats taking so long?" Elise yelled, her tiny body shaking. "You left and never came back!"

"I was saying hi to the new neighbors!" Clare smiled without a care in the world. " I brought cookies too!" She held out the tray.

"Uh..." Deidara said dazed, recovering from his door attack. "Who are you?"

"None of your-" Elise started to answer before Clare interrupted.

"You're new next door neighbors!!"

"And we're leaving." Elise grabbed her ditsy sister out the door, kicking Deidara in the nuts for good measure.

"This neighborhood..." Deidara grunted through the pain, "Is crazy...."

"Hey!" The squeaky clean Kisame charged back down stairs. "Where did Clare go?"

"Out." Deidara groaned, curling up into a ball on the floor.

"Dammit! Did you know that she's an underwear model!"

"A under what!" Deidara jumped up, all pain forgotten. "Seriously!"

"Yeah! But her sister is a total dork." Kisame sniffed over the cookies, the only reminder of his beautiful angel Clare.

"A strong dork." Deidara recalled the mind numbing pain of the sisters attack.

* * *

Later that Day...

* * *

Pein decided it was time to go out and buy some things for the house. They needed new paint (to cover up the horrid wall paper) and some couches for the living room. Konan and Kakuzu would go with him while the others stayed behind and cleaned.

When the boss man left every one skirted their duties and hung out in the living room, bored. Their was a TV and they watched that until the stupid thing fried out and smoke starting coming out of it. Then they watched the smoke until that disappeared. They considered watching the wall paper peel of the wall but due to the outside influences of the writer they would soon by bored no longer.

The wretched doorbell, worse than nails on chalk board, rang. Their ears bleed and Kisame charged to the front door, hoping for his angel Clare.

Sorry Kisame but you get to meet other neighbors now.

"Hello!" The bright botox voice of manliness vibrated throughout the house. Kisame swore the house cringe. "The name is Richard, Richard Pain but please call me Dick. " Dick Pain, as his name was wore a pastel pink shirt with a white tennis jacket tied around his shoulders.

"....." Kisame was two things at the moment. First he was struck speechless and secondly he was resisting the urge to laugh hysterically at their neighbors name.

"And this." Dick gestured to his side. "Is my wife, Kitty" Kitty smiled and Kisame thought Dicks botox was bad, Kitty's whole face had to be plastic. Her dark brown hair looked dyed and her huge bust had to be implants. Her clothes matched her husbands but instead of long white pants sher wore a knee length skirt.

"Pleased to meet you." Her teeth were overly white in her fake smile and Kisame felt the house cringe again.

"We live across the street." Dick pointed to their house which looked just as perfect and fake as the home owners. "We are also the happy parents of two great kids."

_'Yeah' _Kisame thought. '_ Bet their having sex and doing drugs behind your back.'_

"Say," Dick smiled. "Let's throw a party!"

"Thats a great idea!" Kitty exclaimed. "I'll break out Grandma's famous cookbook! I'll start cooking right now!"

"We'll send out invitations and invite the whole neighborhood!" Dick punched Kisame in the arm and the shark nin panicked.

"No, really. You guys don't need to-"

"We just love throwing parties." Dick continued. " Ah, It will be just great. Well I gotta go and pick up Tommy from football practice. Bye!"

When Dick finally walked off the yard the house let out a long, low creak.

"I hear ya." Kisame agreed, wondering when his sanity dropped so low as to talk to a house.

"Who was at the door?" Deidara asked, making clay figured with his hands.

"People who have more plastic in them than Sasori." Kisame shook his head, wondering what he got them into. "Our neighbors.... hahaha, Dick Pain and Kitty Pain." Kisame burst into laughter and was 'lol'ing on the floor.

Deidara caught onto the joke too and was soon joining Kisame in the merriment.

"They also..." Kisame manged to stop laughing for a minute. "Are throwing a party for us."

"A what?"

* * *

When Pein Konan and Kakuzu got back home Kisame told them about the party and Pein ordered everyone to go to it. Why? Well in the immortal words of Pein

"It will be a good experience to know the neighbors and get on good terms with them."

So everyone grumbled for a few hours until Dick came knocking(thank jashin) on their door again. But he wasn't alone, to Kisame's great joy Clare and (and not so great joy for Deidara) Elise were with him too.

"I made a jello mold!" Clare smiled happily as she held up the intricately made mold. Elise growled at Deidara and so they went off.

* * *

The Akatsuki wondered how in a matter of a few hours did two people manage to cook a kings feast of food and clean the entire back yard and decorated in a Hawaiian luau style.

"So I just jump started the car and drove right out!" Dick laughed boisterously at his story and Pein just nodded, wondering what he got himself into. Next to them Kitty was filling Konan in on the latest neighborhood gossip. Like Miss Johnson's affair with the plummer.

Pein was glad for once that everyone was behaving. Deidara was hiding behind the punch bowl from Elise. Sasori and Kakuzu were busy talking with Clare and Kisame watched them from afar. (stalker, cough, cough).

"Hey," Dick looked around their filled yard. "Where did Suzy go?"

"Oh," Kitty laughed. "I'm sure she went inside to get more dip." The two laughed and Pein did a quick head check. Everyone was counted for except... Hidan. He hoped that the priest wasn't doing what he thought he was doing.

"Oh look!" Kitty turned excitedly to the crowd. "It's your back door neighbor! Devon!"

A girl with dark brown, curly hair walked up. "Hey," She smiled. "I'm crazy and I bite." With that she walked away to raid the food table.

"Nice to meat you too!!" Kitty called back, laughing. "Oh and there's another next door neighbor."

A girl with long black hair that reaches to her thighs and bangs that covered her right eye. She was silent as she observed the new neighbors. She looked expressionless until she locked eyes with Itachi. A dark and threating look appeared in them and she turned and left. Walking back to her house.

"Ah so the princess only stays for a bit." Kitty pouted. "That girl never leaves her house, she's such a shut in. Of course thats where she gets her nickname "Princess" or "Hime" as some call her."

"Well thanks.. for the party." Pein gave Kitty and Dick slight bows. But it's time for me and my friends have to-"

"Mom! Dad!" Tommy came running from the house. "Suzy is doing something bad with that purple haired guy!"

"Oh, she's not over feeding the dog again is she." Kitty laughed.

"No!" Tommy cried! "They're in her room and I heard noises coming from the other side of the door!"

Pein, and the Pains (Me:lol, omg, rofl) ran inside the house and Pein kicked down the pink door to Suzy's room.

"Oh my gosh!" Kitty cried, "Suzy! What are you doing!!"

"Hidan!" Pein shouted. "What the hell did I tell you about sacrificing the neighbors!!"

"Mom!" Suzy rushed to pull her shirt back on. "What do you think you're doing?!?!?"

"What I'm doing?" Kitty sobbed. "You're having sex! What happened to my innocent and bubbly daughter!"

"I was never bubbly!" Suzy screamed. "And I've had sex plenty of times!"

"You're not a virgin!" Hidan shouted, pulling his pants on.

"Fuck off." Suzy said to him before turning back to her mother. The two of them started a cat fight that had Hidan wolf whistling. Pein grabbed him and ran out of the house, Dick shouted something about golfing together but he didn't hear. He gathered the others and high tailed it out from the party.

"Every one get back to cleaning!" Pein ordered as soon as they got back inside their new house. "Except you Hidan. I have something else planned for you."

So their first day in the house came to a plain end. Well for everyone besides Hidan. Hidan spent the whole night screaming in pain from Peins punishment, What did Pein do to the man? You do not want to know.

* * *

Next time!: Akatsuki house cleaning wars!!!

* * *

Me: yeah it was pretty uneventful but the next chapter makes up for it! I promise!!

review or no next chapter!! review or I'll force fed Tobi the script!!

Tobi: Nuuu! Tobi doesn't like to eat paper! Tobi is a good boy!!

Me: Hush. (chuckles evilly)


	3. Akatsuki house cleaning wars!

Me: Man these chapters come fast! Maybe its because I wanna get to ch 4 real bad haha.

Also if you have any ideas for the story please help me! My crack glands (the parts of my brain that hels me write) haven't been working lately and I need all the help I can get.

Disclaimer: Chihaya belongs to Hikari, Devon belongs to... Devon and Naruto dose not belong to me. I own all other OC's and any demonic rodents in this story.

Chapter 3: Akatsuki house cleaning wars!

* * *

"Okay everyone." Pein yelled, giving everyone a early start. It was 6 am and they had a big day ahead of them. "We are cleaning today, no if buts or complaints about it. Sasori, you're pluming in the kitchen while Deidara cleans it up. Hidan, get rid of the rats in the craw space. Kakuzu, the first upstairs bathroom. Itachi, Kisame, you two get Zetsu and clean up the backyard. Konan left already ot buy us food and utilities."

"What about you?" Hidan had the gall to ask. Pein glared at him before sharply answering.

"I bought a laptop to put important information on. I'll be spending all day working on it. So don't bother me.

And thus the war began

* * *

"Danna" Deidara looked questionably at the "Pluming for Dummies" book on Sasori's hand. "Are you sure you know how to fix pipes and stuff?"

"No." Sasori flipped quickly through the pages, skimming through the contents. "But how hard can it be."

"Are you sure you can do this?" Deidara stared at his can of bug killer. His job was to kill all the bugs. A very hard task considering all the cockroaches that keep running about.

"Deidara." Sasori tossed his book aside. "I have turned humans into puppets. Surely I can fix a few water pipes.

"If you say so." Deidara sprayed a wave of bug kill at the floor. Watching the bugs scurry for shelter.

* * *

Kakuzu opened his bottle of bleach, pouring the white substance over the brown and green floor of the first bathroom. How it got the color no one knows.

* * *

"Damn it." Hidan cursed, kicking the side of the house. "Why do they make me do all the hard jobs. Mother fucking heathens. Hidan kicked open the door to the craw space and started inside, not bothering to put a mask on over his face.

He didn't have to go far until he found his first find.

"What the hell!" He crawled forward and found a pile of nude, forged paintings. After making porno graphic jokes about the nude woman Hidan continued his perilous journey. The next thing he found was even weirder than the first.

It was an old record player, Hidan put the needle on and turned the crank. The record started to play but instead of beautiful music calls of bloody murder screeched from the player and Hidan smacked the needle off.

"Damn that gave me a heart attack." Hidan kept crawling, preparing for whatever else he'll find down her.

Hidan did find a third crazy thing but it was so disgustingly gross that the authoress decided to save the readers stomaches and not put what it was in the story. Lets just say Hidan wished he was as lucky as you readers are. Not only did he have to see it but he also had to touch and smell it.

He passed out from the experience and will have nightmares for the next few weeks.

* * *

"Is this a jungle, or a back yard." Kisame asked as the three of them stood on the back porch. Kisame looked to Zetsu for answers but the plant man was talking with a wild rose bush. "Okay... Well I guess its up to you and me Itachi."

Itachi glared at Kisame before siting down in a white lawn chair.

Kisame sighed and picked up a rake. "Just me then..." So one man... er... one fish man talked the garden from hell.

* * *

Spray

Spraaaaay

Spraaaaaaaaaaaay

Deidara gritted his teeth as he finished off his 7th can of bug spray. He swore that the cockroaches had little gas masks or something because they just wouldn't die. Fumes filled the air and he started to fell a little woozy.

Meanwhile Sasori has started working on the pipes, staring down at the tools in his hands. He still had no clue what to do and the more he looked the harder and harder the pipes appeared. So Sasori did the best thing he could think of and just started randomly attacking the pipes.

* * *

Hidan cleared out the crawl space of all unnecessary objects and continued to crawl further and further down. Up ahead was a large KPS (Konoha Postal Service) box. Hidan saw a small brown rat run past him and into a hole in the box.

"Gotcha." Hidan smirked, pulling his pike from his belt. "Time to die rat bitches. I've had anger issues with rodents ever since that demon squirrel got the best of me. It's pay back time."

* * *

Kisame was deep into the hell of their back yard. So far, the long grass has destroyed two lawn mowers and the bushes ate (yes ate) three of the bush tirmers. Now he faced the challenge of man eating plants. The sharp toothed pods snapped at Kisame's feet and he fought them off with Samehada.

"Don't do that." Zetsu appeared from the ground. "That is a rare species of carnivorous plant.... and my sisters ex girlfriend...."

"Dude." Kisame shook his head. "You have a more messed up family than I do."

"_Shsssh, He's touchy about that."_

**"I am not touchy. You're going to die for that fish man. I'll roast you live over a fire."**

"... Itachi.... I need back up..."

(from far away) "You lack balls, Kisame.

* * *

Kakuzu finally got the floors all white and pretty, though the room with filled with the noxious smell of bleach. He was shuffling though the medicine cabinet.

"Hmm, whats this?" He pulled out a dust covered box. Blowing it off he discovered that it was a box of Bayer Asprin dated from 1959. He shook the box. "Still full....." He pocketed the box for use later. Hey? Why waste money when you have a full box already?

* * *

the entire kitchen was white with smoke as Deidara sprayed the cockroaches. 12 can's he's gone though and not one dead bug yet. Frustrated beyond belife he pulled his clay out and made hundreds of miniature bombs.

"Eat C2 you cockfuckers!" And the kitchen exploded in a burst of fire and rubble. Sasori who was working on the pipes was thrown into the very pipes he was attempting to fix and not only did he tear them all out but he also hit the "water back up to the bathroom" lever. Now why such a thing is there? The authoress would be glad to answer any questions on the subject. Just call 1-800-I GOTZQUESTIOSN ANDIWANTANSWERSNAO. A secretary will answer your call and tell you to hold.

* * *

With sadistic glee Hidan stabbed the KPS box, opening hole after hole. The pitiful little rat sequels of death was like music to his ears.

"Die bitches" Hidan laughed and laughed as the rat slaughter continued. Just as he felt he had finished the job something growled from beside him. Hidan turned to his side and saw a rat the size of a cat, its teeth bared. "So the queen bitch has decided to come out." Hidan griped his pike tighter. "Well? Come at me bitch."

The rat lunged forward with lightning speed and bit off Hidan's entire nose. He screamed and crawled back, the rat ran off into the KPS box, its trophy in tow. Hidan fumbled out of the crawlspace and layed there on the ground.

"Fucking... bitch" he swore.

* * *

Kakuzu was idly looking at all the pipes under the sink when her hear a low rumbling sound. It was faint at first but gradually grew louder and louder.

A thin trickle of water oozed out from one of the pipe joins and then all hell broke lose. The pipes burst and water rushed out, hitting Kakuzu square in the chest. He was flung back and out the lard open window. Now a fall from the second story window and be a bad thing, even for an Akatsuki. Thankfully for Kakuzu he had a nice landing spot.

Yes folks, Kakuzu landed on Hidan, who was still recovering from his unfortunate rat attack.

* * *

Itachi tried to ignore Kisame's pleas of help as Zetsu chased him around the garden with a chainsaw. But the bitchen stops now. Activating his sharringan Itachi stared down the plants and grass.

"Plants... you lack hated." His eyes spun Kisame and Zetsu just barely missed the power Ameratsu attack as the black fire burned the whole back yard to a crisp.

"Itachi!! What the hell do you think you're doing!" Kisame cried in anguish as the wild green was consumed by the hungry black fire.

"Helping." Itachi says simply, using his fire jutsu to speed up the process.

"Put it out! You'll burn down the neighbors yards too!"

Itachi ignored Kisame, why? Because Uchiha's don't make mistakes thats why.

"Whats going on out there?" Pein called from the window, laptop in hand. "WHAT THE HELL!!" Pein stared as the back yard disappeared in a wave of fire. "ITACHI!!!" He jumped out from the window but failed to see Hidan and Kakuzu still on the ground.

As soon as he made the jump he tripped on them both and the laptop went flying from his hand and into the neighbors yard.

"No!" Pein walked up to the side of the tall fence. "That had all of the Akatsuki secrets on it!! Alright new mission! Get everyone together and go get that laptop back! But I don't want any bloodshed! Get it back peacefully!!"

The Akatsuki nodded and rushed inside to get Deidara and Sasori before heading over next door.

Their nightmare was just about to begin.

* * *

Next time! Chapter 4: The mysterious Hime's haunted house!

* * *

_Me: Yosh! Did this chapter have enough humor for ya? I've been trying so hard for this to be crack but I guess my crack glands are failing me. I'll keep trying but you have to keep reviewing!!! _


	4. The Mysterious Hime's house

Me: Yosh! I've been trying to get back into the crack swing of things and I think I'm finally getting there. Well here it is! Chapter 4 dedicated to my good friend Hikari and her OC, who Hikari most graciously let me use. I promise I wont abuse her Hikari! (crosses fingers)Oh and Hikari will be making random appearnces in this story cuz I asked her too haha.

Chapter 4: The Mysterious Hime's Haunted House!

* * *

There were two houses on either side of the Akatsuki abode. To the left was the white-washed cheery, flower-surrounded house that was home to the lovely Clare and violent Elise. On the other side... now that house is another story.

The Akatsuki house wasn't the worst house in the neighborhood. The worst house was right next door to their house. The 1950's villa with faded purple and gray walls. The house just screamed, "Eerie and haunted. Stay away!".

So the Akatsuki walked up.

"That stupid cat fucking bitch of a rat!" Hidan swore as Kisame wrapped some of Samehada's bandages around Hidan's face, covering the hole where his nose was. "Worse than that fucking squirrel."

"Quit your bitching." Kakuzu growled, thoroughly annoyed that the leader just wouldn't let them hop the fence and get the stupid laptop back (which was paid for by the organization's funding).

"You try saying that after a fucking rat bites your nose off! I swear, this is like going to get fucking infected or some shit."

"Here." Kakuzu tossed the 1959 Bayer asprin at Hidan. The priest opened the box and swallowed all the pills , now kids, don't follow Hidan's exapmle. He is an ideot and overdose is bad.

They walked next door and stood by the gate, the house looming threateningly over them. After a fierce game of Rock, Paper, Scissors, it was decided the Deidara and Kisame would lead the way.

They slowly approached the front door, Sasori pushing Deidara. The blond, shaking in his desinger black, fur trimed boots, and had good reason to. They all felt like they were being watched.

Kisame rang the door bell. The air shook as a huge bell rang from above them. Dust fluttered down upon their heads. They waited 10 seconds before kicking down the door.

"Technically, it's not breaking and entering." Kisame smirked, removing broken bits of door out of the way. "We'll pay for it later."

"You mean you'll pay for it later." Kakuzu growled from behind.

"Oh shit." Kisame called from inside the house. "Look at this, guys." The Akatsuki piled in though the front door and into a wonder land of modern technology. Ever heard of the phrase? A wolf in sheep's clothing? Well the phrase somewhat comes close it it. Things aren't what they appear to be on the inside. The interior of the house was all beautifully modernized with marble floors and tall white walls.

"We should split up," Kakuzu suggested. "And get out of here, I don't want to pay for our bail charges if we get arrested."

"I don't think so, yeah." Deidara looked around him nervously. "I got a bad feeling about this place. I feel like someones watching us."

"Damn, Kakuzu," Hidan swaggered from side to side. "Did you drug the aspirin or something."

"It was a new box dumbass."

"Fuck.. you" Hidan's eyes rolled back into his head and the jashinist passed out cold.

"Should we help him?" Kisame found himself asking. Itachi 'hn'ed and started walking off on his own. Kisame stuttered and ran after him.

"L-let's go with them yeah." Deidara would have dashed to their sides if Sasori hadn't grabbed him by the arm and stared dragging him away in the other direction. "Nuuuuuu danna! Don't do this to me!!! At least let Hidan save my mortal soul before dealing with the undead!"

"You know that in Hidan's cult to be saved, you have to die??" Sasori shook his head.

"It's better than getting my brains eaten by ghosts!!!"

"That is so wrong Deidara. Aliens and zombies eat brains. Ghosts devour your flesh and blood."

"Nuuuuuuuu"

* * *

"Is that music?" Kakuzu stopped in the middle of the luxurious hallway. He turned to face a set of closed doors. Music wafted softly out. Kakuzu opened the doors and peeked inside. It was a large and spacious living room that was tastefully decorated.

Kakuzu walked in over the lush carpet. Classical music played but Kakuzu could see no player or speakers. He poked around the room for a bit before seeing a door leading to the back yard. He walked up to it and had a full view of the back yard through the clear glass.

"Somebody has too much money." Kakuzu stared at the waterfall and pool taking up most of the back yard. He walked out and looked into the water. Pein's Akatsuki laptop was no where to be found.

He was sure the laptop landed in the back yard. Someone had to have picked it up and carried it back inside. Kakuzu sighed and resumed his search, glad for once that Hidan wasn't around to give him headaches.

* * *

"Danna..." Deidara cried into Sasori's shoulder. "Something brushed up against my leg. Something wet and cold."

"Deidara just shut up!" Sasori pushed the blond bomber off him. "You're a terrorist for pekes sake! Show some back bone!"

"But there's ghosts!!" Deidara wailed, waving Hidan's rosary around in the air. "Begone evil spirits!!!"

"Deidara there are no such things as ghosts!" Sasori slapped the rosary from Deidara's hand and dragged the blond down the hall.

Suddenly the lights flicker, and the temperature started to drop. Sasori had to push down Deidara to prevent the blond from jumping up onto him.

"The light bulbs are probably going out." Sasori explained though he had no explanation for the dropping temperature. "See?" Sasori said as the lights came back on. "Nothing to-"

Darkness. The hallway was cast into darkness. Deidara screamed and jumped into Sasori's arms, refusing to let go.

"Deidara this is ridiculous! Let go of me now!" Sasori grunted as he tried to pry the blond off. Deidara whined like a lost puppy and held on tighter.

"I'd say you're friend has a case of phasmophobia."

"He's a freaking S-rank criminal, you'd think he would show more back bone."

"It's a shame how irrational fears can bring down the mightiest of men."

"You're telling me...." Sasori froze. "Deidara...."

"D-d-danna l-look b-b-behind y-y-you!!!!" Deidara stuttered, his eyes wide with fear. Sasori turned around and was face to face to a wall of mist.

"Hello" The Mist spoke. Sasori stepped back, that wall of mist... was a ghost.

"I told you... danna." Deidara fainted and fell on the ground.

"You're friend seemed to have passed out." The ghost obviously started.

"..."

* * *

Kakuzu had justed walked back inside when he heard a high pitched scream. "Damn it, I need a pain killer." Kakuzu sighed as he pinched the bridged of his nose. He goes to turn around when, floating now 2 feet from him in the air was a small blue pill and a cup of water. Kakuzu stared at the pill and water. "What the hell." He reached out and grabbed the two floating items and inspected them. It was free, so he popped the pill in his mouth and flushed it down with the water.

"Can I have 20 bucks?" He said hopefully into the air.

Only Beethoven concerto answered.

"Well damn."

* * *

Sasori, rather uncomfortably, dragged Deidara's body back down the hallway. It didn't help that he had a ghost following him that constantly pointed out the obvious.

"You look like you're having trouble carrying your friend." The ghost spoke plainly. Deidara was too heavy for Sasori to carry and Sasori was too short to properly drag Deidara along the floor but that was the only option left to him.

Sasori tripped repeatedly on the slick marble floors, his puppet body not made for this kind of work.

"You keep slipping." The ghost bluntly pointed out.

"I know..." Sasori growled.

"Then stop slipping if you know that you're slipping."

"SHUT UP!" Sasori droped Deidara, the blonds head hitting the floor hard. "Will you just shut up!!"

"Now you don't have to get snappy with me." The ghost scoffed. "I'm just trying to help."

"If you want to help then die! Die and join the afterlife or whatever!"

"I resent that." The ghost huffed before it floated away. The temperature rose and lights flickered back on as the ghost floated away. Sasori picked up a expensive looking vase and threw it at the ghost. The vase passes right through and smashed into the ground. Sasori wonders when his anger issue got so far out of hand that he threw a solid object at a ghost.

Deidara groaned his eyes flickered open. The blond sat up, looking around. "What happened?" He asked, sasori glared angrily at the blond.

"What happened? You fucking passed out because of your fucking fear of ghosts!"

"Sasori!" Deidara gasped. "I can't belive you would say such things in front of a girl!"

"A girl?" Sasori stared, looking down the hall and back. "What girl?"

"I hate you!" Deidara cried, standing up. "You're so inconsiderate! I can't belive you forgot I was a girl! How could you be so mean to meeeeeee!" Deidara wailed, tears flowing from his eyes.

"You're not a girl Deidara!" Sasori grabed the gender confused boy and shock him. "You're a man! A manly... okay not manly, manly but still a man!"

"I'm a girl!" Deidara protested, slapping Sasori across the cheek. Deidara continued to wail and run off. Sasori shook of his stunned stupor and followed the crazy blond.

Deidara charged down the hall bawling his eyes out when a door suddenly open and he ran face first into the heavy wood.

"Hmm?" Kakuzu peeked out from behind the door. "Oh its you guys. Have you found the laptop yet?"

"We've everything but." Sasori frowned at the unconsious blond. "We should go look for the others." The red head kicked Deidara hard in the side. Deidara woke up and clutched his stomach.

"Dammit! That hurt! Yeah!"

"Are you a boy or girl Deidara." Sasori quickly asked, waving a hand in front of Deidara's face. The blond froze, then burst with anger.

"OF COURSE I'M A GUY! HOW MANY TIMES TO I HAVE TO YOU GUYS! I AM 100% MALE! MALE! MALE,MALE,MALE,MAAAAAAAAAALE!!!!"

"Good. Now get up." Sasori gave the blond another kick.

"Anger issues?" Kakuzu questioned.

"I do not have anger issues!" Sasori growled, kicking Deidara in the back again for good measure.

"Yeah.... right... no anger issuses huh?" Kakuzu chuckled to himself. Sasori turned away and Kakuzu threw a small card at him. "Here's the card to a good therapist, Leader recommended him to me after my third partner."

"But didn't you have seven partners?"

"I didn't say that it worked for me. I just said he was a good doctor."

"..."

"Yes!" Deidara cheered from ahead. "The entrance!" The blond jumped into the air, landing flat on his body back on the floor. He giddily rolled around and did carpet angels. The blond stopped rolling to cheer loudly.

"Deidara, are you sure you're not gay." Sasori frowned.

"Yes I'm sure!" Deidara jumped up, fuming. "I am-! .... what's that hissing sound?"

"Whats what???" Kakuzu asked.

"That hissing sound I keep hearing." Everyone paused and sure enough there was a slight hissing sound. They turned and looked twords the front and-

"OH MY GOSH HIDAN IS BEING RAPED BY OROCHIMARU!!" Deidara screamed.

A huge snake was slithering all over Hidan's unconscious body, twirling its self around him.

"Quite Deidara." Kakuzu walked over and examined the snake. "It's not Oro. Just some other snake."

"Shouldn't we like, get it off him?" Deidara watched as the snake eyed the priest hungrily.

"What? And deny this animal perfectly fine food! If Hidan's immortal like he claims he is then when the snake eats him he wont digest so then the snake will have him in its stomach for the rest of its life thus never needing to never eat again. Now why should I deny the owner the savings she would earn from not having to buy snake food."

"Where the hell do you get logic like that?" Sasori questioned.

"From living ones entire life as a cheepsake and years of ploting Hidan's death."

Sasori and Deidara stared as the snake poised its self to swallow Hidan's head.

"What's going on here!" A voice from across the hall called. Two doors slamed open and out came Itachi and Kisame, followed by their neighbor.  
"I want an explination!" Chihaya demanded.

"What the hell are Itachi and Kisame doing!" Deidara pointed at the Uchiha standing just a but to close to the enraged home owner.

"I asked you somthing!" Chihaya answered. "You break into my house and walk all around like you own the place! I deserve an explanation for why you have come here and broken down my door!"

"Oh um well...." The blond stuttered.

"We're here to retrive our laptop that was thrown carelessly into your yard." Sasori finished. The red head glared at Deidara and the blonde whimpered away like a kicked puppy.

"We have the laptop guys" Kisame held up the Akatsuki emblemed laptop.

"And just where did you guys find it?" Kakuzu grabed the laptop, examineing it for any damage.

"Well thats a funny story you see..." Kisame laughed nervously. "It all started when-"

"Back in the Ronal Regan days..." The pop music suddenly starts playing. "When we put satellites in space!"

"Where is that coming from!?" Deidara jumped. "It's not more ghosts is it!"

"I don't know." Chihaya scoffed, folding her arms.

"When boys wore skinny leather ties ooh-ooh! Like Don Jonhson from miami vice."

"Just tell the story." Kakuzu yelled over the music.

(FLASH BAAAACK TO THE 80s! Okay not really more like half an hour)

When Itachi start to go off on his own Kisame diligently followed him. Itachi was slowly losing his eyesight and Kisame had to take care of him. So Itachi walked down the halls until they entered a large reading room. Sitting on a elegant table was the Akatsuki Laptop.

"Hey! There it is!" Kisame ran forward, only to stop short due to a sudden chill running through him. "H-hey..." He slowly backed away. "Did you feel that Itachi?"

"What are you talking about." Itachi said to a tall blue vase. "And when did you shrink."

"I'm over here Itachi..."

"..."

"I"ll just grab the laptop...! WHAT THE HELL!" Kisame jumped back as a ghostly figure appeared in a tendril of mist.  
The ghost slowly made into the soild form of a man. His semi translucent skin lightly glowing a bluish silver.

"Stop." The ghost ordered.

"Uchiha's stop for no one." Itachi activated his sharringan, using his genjutsu.

"Genjutsu has no effect on ghosts. We're dead."

"...."

Kisame jumped forward. "Your genjutsu is working perfectly Itachi!" He said in a high cracking voice. Slowly forcing Itachi back. "You sure showed him a thing or two."

"I'm blind, not deaf, Kisame."

"I was hoping you would forget."

The ghost huffed. "Please leave, your are trespassing in Hime-sama's house."

"Hime-sama? You mean that girl that lives here??" Kisame scrathed his head, trying to remember what Leader-sama told them of their mysterious neighbor. Somthing about some japanese gothic girl.

"Show proper respect!" The ghost snaped, his neat trim coat slighlty ruffled. "You will acknolange her as Hime-sama or Princess Chihaya!"

"Isn't that the same thing?"

"No it isnt!" The ghost lunged at Kisame. The misty apparition floated right thourgh the shark man and Kisame jerked as his organs and blood froze.

"We will leave with haste." Itachi inclinded his head slightly. "All we ask for is our laptop back."

The ghost stroked its chin thoughtly before flat out saying "No."

"A-a-a-aw c-come o-on!" Kisame rubbed his frozen limbs. "We swear we'll leave when we get the laptop back!!"

"Hime-sama wants to keep the laptop and keep the laptop she will."

The doors to the room opened and her highness herself walked in. "And just what do I want?" She demanded, a prominent frown on her face. Until she saw Itachi, at the sight of the Uchiha her frown of scorn changed to a frightening death glare. Her head snaped to the side, her eyes staring at some unknown spot.

"Hime-sama" The ghost floated closer to the girl. "These street urchins broke into your house, trying to steal your property!"

"Steal what?" Chihaya demanded.

"The laptop we-"

"I said we will _hold onto _it until they came for it." Chihaya frowned, her fists clenching.

"But-"

"You are excussed." She looked away, refusing to look the ghost in the eye. The ghost drifted off through the wall. "I am sorry for any trouble he has caused." Chihaya bowed, Kisame's eyes lingered to the fold in her kimono that revealed just a slight bit of cleavage. Itachi caught the motion and growled threateningly. Kisame gulped and his whole head snapped up. "Please, take your laptop back." Chihaya handed the expensive computer to Itachi and escorted them back to the front door.

Just as they reached the door out of the reading room, the ghost from before came back, a rapier in hand.

"Namo!" Chihaya said shortly. "What do you think you're doing!"

"Fighting for your honor, Hime-sama!" The ghost man, Namo, pointed his sword at Itachi. "Prepare yourself un-noble knight!" The ghost lunged his sword at Itachi's heart and the trasparent metal slid right through Itachi's arm. "Ha! What are you going to do without your arm? Huh?"

"..." Itachi stoicly stared at Chihaya, the girl glaring in return. Kisame didn't know quite what to make of the situation and quietly talked to samehada, the only girl in the world who understod him.

**Random Reader person I randomly made up for kicks and humor: Wait what? The only girl in the world who understood him? (throws tomato at Tally Mai) What the hell are you writing?**

Me(Tally Mai-chan): Um... hopefully an entertaining story that brings smiles to peoples faces?

**Random Reader person: No more like I don't know sh!t what are you writing? You're totaly making this stuff up!**

**Me: Hey! (D) I dont not take kindly to that! (draws sword) Have at thee!**

**Random Reader person: You even have the balls to steal lines from Monty Python! Have you no shame?**

**Me: I gave up shame when I first wrote crakc fiction. Now! Prepare to die! (cuts up reader person to little peices)**

**Person(Lol I"m getting lazy): (head lolls about) I'll get back at you!! I swear I will!!!!!!!**

Me: Yeah, yeah (Kicks head into feild goal)

**Person: I'lllllll beeeeeee baaaaaaccckkkk (flys away on a magic carpet)**

**Me: What was the point of this again? (thinks) OH yeah, Kisame's swrod is a girl sword. Why? Because I said so, if you have any problems then call 1-800-IHAVEQUESTIONSANDIWANTANSWERSNAO. A sectretry will answer your call and rick roll you.**

"Take that and that!" Namo lunged repeatedly at Itachi, his sword going through each time. Chihaya was staring out the window watching a white squrriel baby fall from a tree and explode. Kisame stroking the handle of samehada. After the millieonth sword passed through Itachi the Uchiha decided he had enough.

With a dramatic silence followed by and over exaggerated eye blick the Uchiha activated his sharringan. "Tsukuyomi."

Itachi's genjutsu hit Namo but it reflected off Namo's body, the individual waterdroplets acting like a mirror and reflecting the lethal attack and magnifying it and casting it back at Itachi.

"Oh shit!" Kisame cursed, jumping to Itachi's side. Chihaya ran over and was about to touch Itachi's forehead to see if he was okay when Kisame pushed her away. "Come on Itachi, don't leave me!! Don't leave me and let me be paired up with those weirdos!" **(WARNING! YAOI IMPLIED MOMENT Kisame: Wait what? Yaoi? With who? The only guys in the room are me and..... OMG! YOU WANT ME TO HAVE SEX WITH A GHOST!?!? Me: (__) It's a wonder how you ever made it into the Akatsuki, Kisame)** Kisame grasped Itachi's hand and begged silently. "Please don't leave me Itachi! What will I ever do without you!"

Chihaya stared questionalyby at Kisame.

"What?" Kisame snapped, not seeing the now foaming-at-the-mouth Itachi. "Can't there be a thing called innocent guy love? Like that song on Scrubs. I am his chocolate bear."

Chihaya stared stoicly at Itachi, her face blank of emotion. Itachi was convulsing quietly on the floor, choking on his own saliva.

"It's not gay in our eyes! Bro's before hoes. Right Itachi. Gah! Itachi!" Kisame finally started paying attention to Itachi again and jumped into action.

(Hikari (Mimamoto Hikari-chan): Boat's and Hoes ((mispelled for the sake of keeping it appropriate))-- -shot-)

**(Me: You know, I use a lot of swear words in this fic and implied violence or written violence right???)**

**(Hikari: Yes, I know. But, I normally wouldn't do those kinds of things in fics or stories... Unless I'm in the mood.)**

**(Me: O: Girlfriends before.. um)**

**(Hikari: Whut? o_o)**

**(Me: You know, guys have "bros before hoes" so girls should have somthing like that too!!)**

(Hikari: Right... I'm not going to help you with that. )

(Me: Oh well, we're distracting the reader from the story)

Right as he knew what to do.

Itachi's eyes glazed over and stoped moving all togeather, a trail of saliva running down his chin. Kisame freaked out and in his panic he acidently bit his tounge and choked on his own blood. Chihaya quietly shock her head and asked for medicene from thin air. The medicine appeared and she gave it to Itachi. The Uchiha woke up and stared into Chihaya's eyes. The mysterious girl looked away, her gaze far off.

(Back to the present)

"And thats that!" Kisame laughed, rubbing the back of his head nervously.

"C-can we just get out of here now?" Deidara whimpered from behind Sasori.

Every nodded and rushed out of the house, Kakuzu grudgingly dragging Hidan along since Sasori pointed out that leader would be furious if they left someone behind. Pein was an ex-marine or somthing until he got kicked out for illeagal pirecing of his body with highly radioactive and unstable metals.

Itachi looked back one last time at Chihaya, the parting glance of sadness. Chihaya glared.

"May we never enter that house again." Deidara shivered as they tried Akatsuki returned home.

Too bad they had worse things to deal with than a haunted house.

* * *

Me:Yesh!! I have so many awesome ideas for this story! They are just kickass!! But I want reviews before I start writing again! So reveiw!!! Please??

Any last words Hikari??

Hikari: Uhhhh, hi!ovo I hope you all enjoyed my OC Chihaya, along with her haunted house and her giant pet snake, Precious!xD There's still much to learn about Chihaya, so do keep an eye out for her!


	5. When AND Strikes! read it!

Extra Chapter: When "AND" Strikes

The authoress Tally Mai-chan smiled as she finished typing the last adjustments to her g-mail documents. It was the fourth chapter of her story "The Wild Akatsuki House"

"I'm so happy I finally finished!" She cheered, waving her arms in the air. "I can't wait to see what reviews I get for this chapter!!" With a graceful flourish she posted the new chapter on and when off to watch Kuroshitsuji episodes and amvs.

(In a dramatic voice) THE NEXT DAY.

"I wonder how many reviews and favs I got!" Tally Mai-chan eagerly logged onto her computer after a long day at school. "Clickity click, yahoo.... mail.... (username and password withheld (shoo you stalkers!!)). Inbox is!.... empty...." Tally Mai-chan stared at the screen. "That can't be right. Not one fav-ed? Not one alert?? NO REVIEWS!!! But-but! Even when I first start a story I get at least one alert!! No..... maybe its just a slow day... yeah thats it..."

So Tally Mai-chan went about her day, watching videos on youtube, listening to the oddly addicting songs by jeffree star (They used one his songs for a Grell Sutcliff video that was totally awesome!) Checking her mail every.... five... stinken'... minutes. A slice of her heart tearing away every time she saw "Inbox empty"

(In a even more dramatic voice) THE NEXT DAY AFTER THAT!!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" The pitiful waiting sound erupted from (location, city, and state withheld). "Whyyy!!!! What have I done to anger my readers! Was it that bad? Did I really lose my crack writing touch like I though I had!?!??" The poor fanfiction writer cried onto her laptop. "Its the second chapter isn't?" She gasped, running to the nearest wall and banging her head on it. "Its because I was too lazy to re-write it! I knew it was awful! Why didn't I listen to Hikari!?!? Nooooooouuuuu....."

Tally Mai-chan spent the rest of the day in her emo corner crying softly to herself.

( In a dramatic but bored voice) THREE DAYS AFTER THE NEW CHAPTER WAS POSTED

"Oh..." Tally Mai-chan checked her mailbox for the 100th thousand time. "No... new... messages.... at all....."

5 Kuroshitsuji episodes, three cans of comfort Pepsi and 4 hours of depressing music later....

The mailbox was still empty.

"ALLES IST HIN!!! ALL IS LOST!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuuuuuuuu"

The next day on the 7 'o' clock news.

"Hello, this is Dick Pain filling in for Tom Gay. Today in the (location and town withheld) A tragedy has struck. The details are not too clear but it appears another case of "AND" has struck again. Lets see if we can get a closer look.

"I'm walking up the the house now, police and ambulances and other emergency vehicles litter the road as teams of trained paramedics asses the situation. Excuse me officer!"

"Get back sir!" The officer started to forcefully push Dick back. "This is a closed scene."

"I'm from Konoha News 5. What's going on? How is the victim? Who is the victim?"

"Its the fanfiction writer Tally Mai-chan. The AND is worse than we thought."

"Ah there she is!" Dick walked around the officer to the front door of the house where the writer was being carried out on a carrier.

"Back sir." A paramedic cautioned. "She is in critical condition... she might not make it...."

"Well everyone." Dick spoke to his cameraman Kakashi. "AND is a terrible crime against nature that can strike at a moments notice. AND, for those who don't know means "Author Neglect Disease". It happens when a author receives no reviews or favorites or alerts on any of their stories for 3 or more days. In milder cases it can lead to; late updates, shorter chapters, lack of quality. However... in a sever case such as this it can lead to extreme depression and no updates... ever again.

"So please. I beseech you fellow writers and beloved readers out there. Don't let "AND" win. Save authors and authoress alike from suffering from this most lethal disease and review. Review like you never reveiwed before!

"Review and will get a message reply back with the bio of the author or authoress you saved (all mode by the way and I'm stealing the "conception" of an idea someone had but hey, it works).

"This is Dick Pain, signing off. Good night one and all and pray that Tally Mai-chan may make a miraculous recovery."


	6. It came on a stormy night

Doctor Jiriaya: Nurse, How is the paitent doing?

Nurse Ino: Her condition is improving but its uncertain....

Doctor Jiriaya: I see, please leave for a moment nurse.

Nurse Ino: Hai

Nurse Ino left and Doctor Jiraiya walked over to the patients bed.

Doctor Jiraiya: Patient Tally Mai-chan. A crack and serious fan fiction writer. Mostly for the popular anime and manga series Naruto.... (Jiraiya leans closer) Still in a coma... It is true that people in a coma can hear what people are telling them... well just to prompt you to make a speedy recovery, when you wake up you and me should go to a bar! (insert perverse wink here)

Tally Mai-chan: (thinking in her coma state) NUUU, DONT WAKE UP! NEVER WAKE UP!!!!

* * *

Chapter 5- "It" came on a stormy night.

* * *

It was a dark and stormy night.

Kisame was yelling at Deidara for eating all the ice cream from the box. Kakuzu was contemplating tentacle raping Hidan just to get the bitch to shut up for 5 minutes. If the jashinist wasn't complaining about his nose (which is gone by the way, so Hidan now has no nose XD) then it was about the snake that nearly digested him. Sasori sat in the corner of the room talking to one of his puppets.

"Oh stop!" Deidara climbed over Kisame to the center of the couch. "This is my favorite soap! The evil and eviler!"

Itachi who was manning the remote promptly changed the channel.

"Why is the blind guy in control of the 'mote?" The blonde spazzed, waving his ice cream full spoon in the air.

"Shuuush" Kisame slapped his hand across Deidara's mouth. Watching Itachi from the corner of his eye. Waiting for any kind of malicious movement. "He's sensitive about that."

"..." Itachi flipped channel after channel, so fast you couldn't tell what was flashing across the screen. A frown covering his entire face.

"Ah!" Deidara cried as his soap flew past again. Thunder rumbled in the distance.

"Some storm." Kisame looked out the window as rain fell like kunai from the sky (lol bet you've never heard that one before huh?). The thunder rolled across the sky and the house shook from the powerful vibrations.

"Fucking storm!" Hidan gave the finger out the window. "I can't focus on my praying when the skies farting."

"Did you just call thunder sky farts?" Kakuzu turned as he snatched the remote from Itachi's hands. Stopping on the Mystery Channel where an extremely gory movie played.

"Hey guys." Leader walked down the stairs, hoping over Deidara's hole(they never bothered to fix it) and landing at the base of the stairs. "There's an extreme storm system moving into the area. There's a chance we may lose power so I just want to remind you guys that the power box is in the kitchen under the sink."

"Isn't that kind of dangerous?" Kisame questioned. "Because with the water and moisture from those pipes and all."

"Please." Pein shook his head. "Only a true idiot would let himself get electrocuted."

"I don't know...." Kisame eyed Deidara and Hidan. "We seem to have a few idiots in out midsts...."

"Touche." Leader said, not caring he called the ninja's he painstakingly hand picked to be apart of Akatsuki stupid. "Just remember that." With that their immortal leader vanished in a flourish of smoke.

Outside the wind picked up and the trees raked against the side of the house, creating disturbing noises.

"Hey Itachi..." Kisame edged closer to the Uchiha. "Can I-"

"No."

"But its scary!"

"No."

Sad face for Kisame.

"I don't know what you're so fucking afraid of." Hidan coughed. "Just sky farts and sky piss."

A resounding boom broke across the neighborhood and they were left in darkness.

"Fuck!" Hidan shouted, screaming profanities out the window.

"I don't see what the problem is." Kakuzu smacked Hidan across the back of his head. The priest fell forward, his nose less face colliding with the window. "The bank pays for the electricity. Not that I trust the bank that spends peoples money on flop businesses."

"Nuu!!" Deidara wailed. "What about the ice cream in the fridge! It will all melt!"

The wind howled and the house shook more. Another round of thunder flashing across the sky. There was a feminie scream the distinct sounds of a person cowering.

"OMGIMBEINGRAPED!" Kisame cried out when somebody jumped onto his lap. Sasori turned on a flashlight and shined it on Kisame. "Damnit Deidara! You're such a girl!"

"I am not!" Deidara slapped Kisame, scurrying to hide behind his danna. "I just don't like thunder!"

The sound of nails on a chalkboard times 10 with undertones of a tone depth singer rang in their ears.

"Ahhhh!!!" Diedara screamed as he jumped into Sasori's not so waiting arms. "Protect me Sasori-no-danna!"

"That was the doorbell." Kakuzu grumbled. "Hidan go get it."

"Why me?" Hidan whined. Rubbing the hole where his nose was. "You always make me do your work."

"Just go get the fucking door!" Kakuzu growled. Hidan scowled and got up, he opened the door and-

"Ah thank you soooooooo much for letting Tobi in!" A black and orange blur ran into the house. "Tobi thought Tobi was going to be outside in that storm forever!"

The sole source of light, Sasori's flashlight, shined on the new comer. A really tall boy(man?) dressed from head to toe in black with an orange mask covering his face.

"Tobi is sooooo glad that you decided to let Tobi stay!" The tall boy, Tobi cheered.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." Kisame stood up, taking charge of the situation like that natural born leader he was. Though sadly, when you're paired with the "Always right and kills anyone who says otherwise" Uchiha Itachi you don't get to be the leader a whole lot. "Who the hell are you and what do you mean by "stay",".

"Oh how bad of Tobi. I'm Tobi! Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi jumped up and down.

"Pssst." Deidara called from behind Sasori. "Let's kill him and feed him to Zetsu."

"Shuush." Kisame threw a pillow at him, hitting the blond bomber square in the face. "I'll handle this."

"So where's Tobi's room?" Tobi started walking up the stairs. "Oohhh what a cool hole you have. It's person shaped!"

"No wait!" Kisame was ready to tackle the little menace when Zetsu popped up from the floor.

"**Stop**. _Please wait_." Zetsu came out from the floor. "_I know this kid_, **pest**"

"Oh is that you Zetsu-san?" Tobi slid down the stair rail. "I didn't know you lived here!"

"_What are you doing here Tobi?_ **Yeah get lost pest**."

"Well the cardboard box Tobi has been sleeping in got all soggy in the rain so Tobi had to move only Tobi had no where to go! So Tobi went from door to door asking if someone wanted to let Tobi stay the night but no one would open their doors until I found Zetsu-san's house!" Tobi jumped up the stairs and slid down the rail, giggling like a little child.

"Let him stay guys." Zetsu's white side pleaded. "He's not that bad..... really..... I think........"

"Okay, we'll let him sleep on the ouch or something." Kisame sighed, "Just don't let Leader find out."

Everyone grumbled a bit but agreed none the less. With nothing else to do and the power out (they really just didn't want to touch the electric box under the sink) they all left up stairs to their rooms.

_-In Deidara's Dream-

* * *

_

A great explosion blew up all of Iwa and the surrounding country. Deidara stood at the top of a high mountain dressed in elegant noble clothes with a kick ass red cap.

"The world is mine!" The blond bomber cheered, another explosion treating up the land. "How do you love me now Uchiha!"

Uchiha Itachi dressed in nothing but a loin cloth (phhft... Itachi in a loin cloth..... phhhft) The great Uchiha bowed to Deidara's awesomeness and said repeatedly Deidara's art was truly great and he ate dirt three times a day.

"As it should be" Deidara smirked and another bomb blew up more land. "HAHAHAHAHAA My ART IS GREAT!"

"You lack refinement." Sasori suddenly came up, kicking Itachi to the side. "Your form is completely off and its just aimless destruction."

"Danna!" Deidara anime tear cried, his eyes big and watery. "I love you!!!" Deidara jumped into his dannas arms and Sasori sighed.

"Always the eager uke, eh Deidara."

"Only if you're the seme!" Deidara cuddled into his masters arms.

"Come on, Hikuro can fit two people now....hehe"

"Oh Dana!" Deidara cooed. But before his danna could take him a sound disturbed his thoughts. A sharp creak followed by a slight metallic hiss.

Deidara woke up with a start and just barely dogged the sword that crashed down onto his bed. Deidara jumped up from off the floor but his attacker was gone, as was Sasori.

"Danna..." The blond whimpered into the moist air. Thunder boomed and he screamed. "HEEELPPP DANNA'S BEEN KIDNAPPED AND SOMEONE TRIED TO KILL MEEEEEEE"

_-In the Akatsuki living room-

* * *

_

Everyone, tired beyond belief and rather grumpy tried to calm down a flighty Deidara.

"I-I-I was J-j-just sleeping when I heard this noise and I woke up and this sword tried to stab me! I dodged but I couldn't see who had done it." The Blondeblew his nose loudly on Kisame's sleeve. The fish man angrily shoved a box of tissues into Deidara's gut but the blond ignored it. " And when I woke up Sasori-danna was g-g-gooooOOOONNNEEEEE!!!"

Leader sighed. "Its just one thing after another.... We're S-rank criminals right? Surely was can solve this mystery all we need to do is-"

"Did someone say Mystery!?!?" Tobi suddenly burst into the room, dressed as Sherlock Holmes.

"Who the hell are you!" Leader jumped, turning to look accusingly at the Akatsuki.

"He's a friend of Zetsu's...." Kisame tried to explain weakly "He needed a place to crash for a while."

"You're such a pussy Kisame." Leader shook his head. Pointing to the door he said to Tobi. "Get out, now. Before I castrate you and rip you limb from freaking limb."

"Ah but Tobi can not leave such a mystery unsolved! Tobi is a licensed detective! See? Tobi has a badge!" Tobi flashed a golden badge the looked extremely legit.

"Fine!" Leader sighed. "I'm going back to bed, and I expect this whole thing to be done and over with when I wake up." Leader tiredly walked up stairs leaving the Akatsuki alone and unsupervised. In hindsight, a bad idea.

"Tobi will start the investigation by going to the scene of the crime! Villainy Awaits!!!!" Tobi flew up the stairs and down the hallway only to poke his head back around the wall. Sheepishly rubbing the back of his head., "Where dose Deidara sleep?"

_-3:23 AM Deidara/Sasori's room-

* * *

_

"Hmmmm, hmmmmmmmm, hhhauuummmm...." Tobi jumped from stop to spot around the room, only in one spot long enough to be seen before suddenly appearing in another part of the room.

"How the hell dose he do that?" Kisame whispered to Itachi. The Uchiha shrugged.

"Aha!" Tobi started jumping up and down on Deidara's bed. "The culprit was obviously jealous of Deidara's springy bed so he tried to do away with him!" Tobi stopped jumping to stroke his chin. "We have a motive! Fishy-chan!"

"MY NAME IS KISAME!"

"Yeah! Fishy-chan! Write this down! Culprit jealous of springy bed!"

Itachi yoinked the notepad from Kisame and started to write furiously.

"Lets go Mr. Uchihason!" Tobi charged out into the hallway, Itachi following. Kisame facepalmed, wishing he had stayed with Deidara.

_-3:45 AM The bathroom-

* * *

_

"Why are we here?" Kisame watched from the hallway as Tobi picked apart the somewhat sanitary bathroom. Tobi was sitting in the bathtub when suddenly...

"Tobi's a pirate!" Tobi swam around in invisible water, brandishing an invisible sword. "Write that down Mr. Uchihason!"

"Aren't we supposed to be, I don't know." Kisame paused, his anger throbbing. "DOING something!??!?!?"

"We are!" Tobi jumped out of the tub. "We are ninja pirates! Pirates who pulled away from the ninja, pirate rivalry and learned the way of ninja! We are the ultimate warriors!"

"Uchiha's are not pirates." Itachi huffed, Tobi cocked his head to the side.

"Ninja Spartans then???"

Kisame stared to slam his head into the wall.

_-4:13 AM The kitchen-

* * *

_

"Mr. Uchihason! Tell me, what dose this look like to you?" Tobi pointed at the Akatsuki's white frig.

"It looks like a body Mr. Tobi." Itachi nodded. "By the looks of how pale he is he had been dead for quite a while."

"Look!" Tobi gasped and pointed at the silver handle. "It seems like someone surgically placed a handle on them to easily access their insides!"

"Horrendous!" Itachi wrote more on his notepad.

"Its refrigerator!" Kisame pulled on the handle opening the door.

"Thats sick!" Tobi shrunk back. "You must be the culprit!. Mr. Uchihason! Apprehend the villain!"

Kisame hadn't one word out in his defense when Itachi sent him of to sharringan loopy land. Kisame really hated his life.

* * *

_Meanwhile, Hidan and Kakuzu were trying to calm a hysteric Deidara,_

"Ice cream! No ice cream! I need my ice creaaaaaam!" Deidara wailed.

"Shut up Deidara," Kakuzu sighed, trying not to kill the blond. "besides, all that ice cream will make you fat."

"Will not!" The blond countered, "Ice cream is good for the soul!"

"No its not!" Hidan shouted, waving his rosary in front of Deidara's face. "No fucking ice cream or chicken soup is good for your fucking mortal soul! Jashin-sama is the only one that can-"

"I don't give a damn about jashin, un!" Deidara smacked Hidan's hand away. "Jashin could go fuck himself for all I care!"

The air thickened and Kakuzu face palmed. "Now look at what you've done! Just remember I am NOT responsible if you get sacrificed."

"You're dead blond." Hidan said through clenched teeth. Deidara meep'ed and cowered away. "No one, and I mean _**no one**_ ever gets away with insulting jashin-sama."

Deidara got up and ran for his life. He charged out through the nearest exit, the front door and raced out into the stormy night. Hidan followed after, screaming like a mad man. Deidara suddenly felt like he was thrown into some crappy, under budgeted horror movie that nobody watches except to see the victim get killed in the end.

"Dannnnaaaaa!" Deidara screamed as he raced down the street away from Hidan. The lightning flashes making Hidan look demonic. "SAVE ME DAAANNAAA!"

* * *

_Back with Tobi, Itachi and Kisame AKA Team Detective Tobi._

"Okay fishy-chan." Tobi slammed his hands down on the steely interrogation table that just so happened to be conveniently placed in the dinning room, bright light included. "I can be good cop or Mr. Uchihason can be bad cop."

"I didn't do it!" Kisame raged. "And why did you have to tie me up!"

"Because Mr. Uchihason said you're a sadist!"

"Well yeah but what dose that have to do with anything!" Kisame struggled, he started to get a bad feeling about all of this.

"It is a well known fact that sadists like springy beds! And since Deidara had a springy bed and you didn't you were jealous! So you tried to kill Deidara and get his bed !"

Kisame gaped. "What! That is so not true! And you didn't answer my question!"

"Mr. Uchihason." Tobi snapped his fingers and Itachi appeared from the shadows. "Bring the punishment equipment."

Itachi nodded and stalked back into the shadows, he came back carrying a CD player. Tobi ran out of the room and from the door yelled. "Start the music Mr. Uchihason and get the hell out of there!"

Itachi calmly walked from the room (because Uchiha's NEVER hurry) and shut the door looked. Kisame stared at the CD player wondering what kind of punishment it contained.

"Probably something really stupid." He laughed. "A recording of Britney Spear songs? They may taint the ears of normal humans but not me! I'm immune to modern pop star bad singing-idis!"

Kisame was laughing when _it_ happened. When _it_ changed his life. When _it_ played,

_Jones Brothers_

_-Back to Deidara and Hidan-

* * *

_

Deidara panted heavily from behind Dick Pain's trophy winning hedge cut into the extreme likeness of Martha Stewart and sighed in relief. He was sure the Pain's back yard was the last place Hidan would ever look for him. Deidara silently thanked the fact that the general store five blocks away from their house had a secret passage to the Dicks yard (why such a place ever existed in the first place is beyond even me, the writer.)

Just as Deidara decided now was a good time to high tail it out of the country to the Naruto worlds version of Mexico (cough, cough, Tea Country, cough, cough) when a leafy Martha head went flying.

"Found you." Hidan loomed above Deidara, a wicked smile on his face. "I had to admit you're sneakier than I thought when you lost me at the general store. Took me hours of fruitless searching until I went back to the store only to find that secret passage."

Deidara slowly crawled back, laughing nervously. "In hindsight using a secret passage that had a huge white sign saying "Secret passage to Dick Pain's backyard" was not a good idea."

"What!" Hidan paused for a moment, his face twisted with confusion. "There was a sign??"

"Um yeah, un." Deidara said, dazed by Hidan's sheer stupidity. "The sign was like three feet wide and had huge black print, un. Really hard to miss, yeah."

"Whatever! Time to die!" Hidan laughed and slashed at Deidara with his scythe. Deidara screamed and ran straight out into the street. Knocking down Kitty's expensive bird feeder. He was just about to make it across the street when from out of nowhere a Charles horse spread through his leg, sending him into mind numbing pain. He fell onto the road clutching his traitorous leg.

"Got you now!" Hidan ran out into the road, without looking both ways first. "You've got nowhere to run, may jashin-sama accept your body. You better pray you're not a transvestite or I'll have to kill you really, really painfully."

"IM A FREAKING MALE YOU BASTARD!!" Deidara resorted despite his pain. Hidan threw his head back and laughed, and laughed, and laughed. He was so busy laughing that he didn't notice the freaking huge truck that speed down the night road and plowing him down.

"I don't know if I'm insanely lucky or if jashin just really didn't want me as a sacrifice, yeah."

"HHIIIII DEIDARA!!!!" Tobi jumped out from the driver's side of the truck that just ran Hidan over.

"Tobi!?!?" Deidara stared wide eyed as Tobi ran up to them, examining Hidan's flattened body.

"He looks like a pancake Deidara!" Tobi laughed, pouring a bottle of male syrup over the priest.

"Tobi...." Deidara clutched his throbbing leg. "I don't care where you came from or how you got that truck but I need you to carry me back into the house."

"Now why would I do that?" Tobi asked back, a dark aura emitting from him.

"Because..." Deidara tried to smile. "We're friends and thats what friends do for each other...?"

"I'm not your friend." Tobi's voice dropped five octaves and a red eye appeared from his masks hole. "I was the one who tried to kill you earlier tonight. I also tried to kill you right now but I guess I messed up this time too."

"Tobi...." Deidara shrank back in fear as Tobi stalked quietly closer to the blond. "Tobi...!"

"I would say its nothing personal but sadly it is-"

"Deidara?"

The new voice came from down the street, Deidara jumped and dashed towards the voice. His leg miraculously cured.

"Sasori-danna!!!" Deidara cried, squeezing the newly arrived Sasori in a huge hug. "Tobi tired to stab me then he tried to run me over and you disappeared!! I thought you were killed!"

"Get off me Deidara!" Sasori kicked Deidara off him. "I've been out for a few hours, so what."

"But I didn't know where you were!"

Devon, their backyard neighbor suddenly popped up from behind Sasori. A huge smile on her face. "I knew where he was! I was with him!"

"Danna!" Deidara gasped, pointing accusingly at Devon. "Have you been cheating on me! I can't believe it! Why would you cheat on me, me! How could you-"

Sasori straight up slapped Deidara and calmly explained. "One, we're not a couple in a relationship. Two, what I with my time and who I do it with is none of your concern. And if you must know I was digging up dead bodies from the graveyard."

"Its illegal!" Devon smiled, holding up a dirty shovel. "We didn't find any good bodies but it was still fun! Even the part where those big dogs came and Sassy killed them!"

"Sadly," Sasori added, he was greatly disappointed they didn't find any good bodies. "We'll lets get back inside." Deidara nodded and followed after his danna. Forgetting completely about Tobi.

Back inside Deidara ran up to the safety of his room and Sasori stayed downstairs to filled in on the nights events by Kakuzu. Kisame stayed in the interrogation room listening to "We didn't start the fire" for the hundredth time. Itachi having fallen asleep outside the door and thus unable to free the fish man from his tormenting.

As for Tobi...... Tobi's evil side, or Evil Tobi, erased everyones memories, except Deidara's, and went back to his couch, deciding not to kill Deidara.... anytime soon that is.

The next morning when Leader walked downstairs and saw everything back to the way it was decided to let Tobi stay, if not for the reason of being a servant or scape goat should the situation ever arise.

The end.... or is it???

* * *

Me: (panting) Nyaah, I finished! …..pffft, sky farts XDDDD.

Please review! Review or no new chapter!

Note: Only reviews made to chapter 4+ (the "When AND strikes" chapter) will you get the bio of the author or authoress you saved by reviewing. If you review for that chapter and did not get a bio then pm me and I will send you one.


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